One Hundred and Six
by Theliteratureofchemistry
Summary: Karmy/Karmy troubles. Feelings, fear and fumbles. Set during & after the finale, and offers an alternative ending to season 1. I know I should put a super-seductive summary here, but i can't think of one yet; I'm a bit rusty with the writing, so feel free to constructively criticise. If you like it, please subscribe to alert/favourite. Thankyou!
1. I Didn't Want This

''Yeah, i've had enough… of your insolence!'' Amy spat, her words slurring slightly as she watched the waiter hop into the van and kept her blurred gaze locked onto it as it rolled off into the night. _I've had enough, _she thought. _Enough of-_

''Amy?''

Hearing a soft, familiar voice behind her, the blonde halted her thoughts and froze, every fine hair on her small frame instantly standing to attention.

''Amy, can we-'

There it was again. That voice- the way it carried her name through the crisp air. She tentatively turned around, her eyes instantly falling onto those of a slightly smaller girl; the girl in the emerald green dress, the girl with the killer smile; the girl with _those _eyes. _Shit. _Amy wasn't prepared for this, not yet. Maybe not ever. Her heart had been shattered into pieces… and, _god_, it was embarrassing. She had suddenly come to realise that she had been a fool to ever believe that this mess could have turned out any other way.

No girl with _those_ eyes could ever be safe to fall for, she had told herself.

And absolutely not if her name was Karma.

''Karma,'' she whispered, eyes dropping to the floor. ''I can't see you right now… and, and, no, i don't mean- not just because i'm drunk and my vision is messed up and it's dark out here, i mean-''

She stopped there, her words broken, her mind submerged in a suffocating fog of alcohol and pain. She glanced up. She realised that she couldn't even pull off her trusty humour well in this state, and the pity etched throughout Karma's expression confirmed that she was fooling nobody.

_Isn't that a kick in the teeth? Even Karma pities you now. _

For a long, _long_, moment, neither girl spoke. There was no laughter, no music, no celebration any more; the guests and their festivities were long gone, and now, at 3am, all that remained were two broken girls and their silence, stood in a car park and surrounded by darkness. Inhaling deeply, Amy drew her eyes away from the confetti-littered concrete. She had counted every colourful piece at her feet at least twice: one hundred and six tiny flakes of paper between herself and Karma. Thirty-two blue. Twenty-six yellow. Forty pink, and weirdly, Amy thought- only two of the white. Had she been a little more coherent at the time, perhaps she would have pondered more over why there were so few of the classic white confetti shapes. Perhaps she would have considered it a humorous reflection of her mother's lack of chastity. Perhaps, in any other circumstance, she would have actually cared.

Prompted by the sadness in Amy's pale, lifeless eyes, Karma took a step forward. She took Amy's left hand in her own, and grasped it tight. For the past ten years, since the very first day they had met, Karma was firm in her belief that those sweet round eyes were the brightest she had ever known. Windows to the purest soul. They glimmered like the reflection of light from clear water, sparkled more than the clearest diamond; yet in that moment, she would swear they had never seen the sun.

''Amy, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. For everything.''

The words came laced with gentle tears, leaving the dark-haired girl's lips as the salty water grazed her cheeks and slowly fell. ''I used you for all the wrong reasons. I made you lie, i made you go along with everything and gave you nothing. And what kills me the most is that i made you hurt. And right now, i'm standing in front of you and i can't see the shine in your eyes. It's gone, Amy, for the first time, and i'm so, so sorry, because it's all my fault.'' Karma inhaled deeply and searched Amy's gentle features for any change in expression.

Shivering slightly, Amy closed her eyes, her own tears falling still. So badly had she wanted to brush away those from Karma's face, even now, that it was hard to refrain. She was frozen, though. Karma was holding onto her hand so tight that it should have hurt, but Amy was numb from heart to head, and frozen to the spot. She would have pulled away already, she thought. If she could have.

''Don't worry about it. Really. It's not your fault.'' Amy mumbled. Releasing these words seemed to be all she needed to gather her strength and move away from Karma; pulling her hand from the grasp of the manicured digits that held onto her, she raised her head, wiped her eyes, and strode off toward her home. Had she not had quite so much champagne that evening, she may have looked confident and strong, as was her intention; but the fifteen-year-old had single-handedlyemptied a bottle or two, and it showed; and so, if for no other reason, Karma followed- because to her it looked as though Amy could crash to the solid ground at any moment, and Karma daren't leave her alone right now, regardless of the _badstuff._

Amy wove her way along the path leading to the large, imposing wooden door at the front of her house. Luckily for her, her mother's wedding reception had been held in a spectacular, no-expense-spared marquee, conveniently situated on a plot of land just at the end of the Raudenfeld's street. Walking straight into the house, directly to the kitchen, Amy rummages in around for the bottle of wine she _knows_ she's seen somewhere. She mutters and swears, working up a frenzy and becoming obsessive. _Wine, _Amy imagines, _will make this whole mess go away. _

Karma is hot on her heels, though, and catches the inebriated blonde by the arm before she locates the illusive bottle.

''Stop.'' she says gently.

She pulls a little too hard and unbalances Amy on her heels, causing her to fall against Karma and almost send the pair flying to the hard tiles beneath them. Almost; but Karma catches Amy, holding her tight in her arms to steady them both and avoid a collision with the floor.

''L-let me _go_.'' Amy sighs.

Having stopped moving, being forced to stand still, Amy suddenly feels a wave of tiredness sweep over her entire body. It starts in her brain and travels down through her aching heart before seeping into her legs, and she feels her body becoming heavier by the second. The dancing, the laughter, the crying, the drinking, the hundred emotions; every part of this whirlwind day was catching up with her. She had held in her feelings for Karma for weeks, and today they had reached boiling point. They had exploded, exposed themselves, forced their way out of Amy's mouth and into the open air for the first time, and they overwhelmed the sweet girl. She had never felt so strongly before; she hadn't been sure how to handle it, so for weeks she had pushed these emotions further within herself, carrying on the fake lesbian charade, and it had all lead to this; a royal disaster. To this moment right now, where Amy's blood felt like pure alcohol and she was being held captive in Karma's arms and simply didn't have the energy to fight it.

She didn't _want _Karma to hold her now. She didn't _want_ to feel electricity firing through her veins as they stood together like that, the tear-stained beauty that was Karma Ashcroft holding her so close she could smell the faint remainder of the intoxicating perfume that she had applied to her green dress and silky skin at the very beginning of the day. Amy didn't _want_ to reach her hand up towards Karma's face and touch her cheek the way she felt compelled to, and she certainly _didn't _want to close the gap between her bitten-up lips and her best friend's like she did.

No, she really didn't want to feel Karma relax her hold on her body and return the soft kiss, because _damn it_, she was angry at her, and having Karma return this kiss made no sense. Amy was angry at Karma for thinking up this stupid plan in the first place, and angry at her for letting her agree to it. Angry that Karma had rejected her when she finally built up the courage to express herself; to tell her that she had fallen so hard for her best friend, she thought she may never get up again- tell her of how this beautiful girl took her breath away with every kiss, and how she was petrified of losing her because of it. _That took guts_, Amy thought, _and she threw it back in my face. She laughed at me. _Karma had told her that she was just confused, had got carried away, and that although she would never lose her- _she could never lose her_\- she didn't love her like ...that. And Amy was angry at Karma for being angry with _her _when she realised she had been lying since their first kiss. Karma didn't intend for Amy to fall in love with her- that was never the plan. That was never supposed to happen… but it did, and it caused her closest friend to keep secrets and lie to her.

In reality, Karma was more angry with herself than with Amy, _because_, she thought, _let's face it_. It was all her fault. Popularity. It really didn't seem worth it now.

So Karma blamed force of habit when Amy pushed her away and swore at her for returning the kiss this time. She blamed force of habit when she ignored Amy's anger, stepped forward, dragged one shaky hand through golden waves and used the other to push a fragile, lavender-clad body against the wall. Force of habit, the teenager presumes, was what compelled her to crash her needy mouth into the soft lips before her and demand more, more, _more_.

But, Amy wonders later, was it really force of habit that caused Karma to venture into unchartered territory? Could the bites and kisses scattered over Amy's neck and chest be blamed on habit when they had never happened before?

At this point, Amy's mind is spinning at what surely feels like three hundred miles per hour, and she can't keep up. She gives in to what she wants, even though she knows this is all kinds of messed up and she has no idea what is going on in Karma's mind right now. The girl gave mixed signals if anyone ever did. But Amy can't help it, she's selfish this time, and takes whatever she can get. She doesn't care that, at any moment, someone could turn on a light and stumble across the two of them pressed against a wall in the kitchen, or witness them collapse on top of one another on the grey carpet of the staircase, or hear their desperate, stifled moans as they scratch and pull at each other on the way through Amy's bedroom door.

But as they hit the bed and Amy falls backwards with a muffled _thump_, she feels talon-like nails cutting through her pale skin; upon opening her eyes, she sees a look on Karma's face that she doesn't think quite fits the way this _situation _is going.

''K-karma?'' She stutters, starting to panic. That's Karma's _angry_ face, she realises. Those nails, having previously been dragged along her spine with desperate wanting, were now being used to cause her pain through anger instead. _Shit. Abort, abort._ As she attempts to wriggle out from underneath, Karma tightens her grip on Amy's slender arms.

''Jesus christ, Amy! I didn't want this!'' She shrieks, shoving Amy hard into the mattress as she jumps up and backs away, raising a hand to her mouth. Amy thinks that Karma looks as though she's about to throw up, her usually radiant face suddenly stricken with palor. She was beginning to sober up, slowly, but Karma's sudden 360 left her baffled. Slowly rising to her feet, Amy moves forward and reaches to take Karma's hand. Karma moves a step backwards.

''Please don't touch me,'' she whispers. Karma feels her skin burning, her stomach turning. She's panicking now, she feels like she's just killed a man. Nothing makes sense. _This doesn't make sense. _They were faking it, she repeats over and over in her mind. _And then she told me she loves me. And i hurt her, and now i've kissed her. Again. Like i meant it._

Her head spins.

_And i meant it._

But she isn't gay, she tells herself. She isn't, she couldn't be. She doesn't want to touch girls boobs.

But, if she's honest, she thinks, she wouldn't mind touching Amy's. She wanted to _touch_ Amy. She'd already grown to realise that holding her hand was comforting some time ago, but she assumed that was because she was her best friend. She loves her more than anyone on earth, doesn't she? Of course she does; she's her best friend. Friends hold hands, right? Right. Friends don't usually fake gay, but their friendship could handle it. Or so she thought.

While Karma runs through these things in her head, Amy just looks at her. She just sits, stares, watches her. She looks concerned. Upset. And, well, at knocking on for sunrise, more than a little bit tired. _Jesus_, Karma growls to herself. She's royally fucked everything up this time. Amy clears her throat, knocking Karma out of her thoughts and back into the room.

''We… should, uh, get some sleep.'' She announces, keeping her eyes fixated on anything _other_ than the girl before her.

The blonde looks up at her incredulously, blinks hard, and lets out a short laugh of disbelief. She should have expected this. Of course. It's Karma. Complete denial. _Complete-fucking-denial_. She wants to swear at this girl until her voice breaks, tell her everything she's thinking, but she doesn't.

''Right,'' Amy says, walking toward the door. ''I'll take the spare room.''

Karma opens her mouth to speak; to tell her to stay, to tell her anything that would make it better, but she can't get any words out and is cut off by verbal ice and a frosty glare before she can emit a single sound.

''Goodnight, Karma.''


	2. Cherries

*Note: I'm so sorry that i've taken forever to post the next chapter, especially as it has only had one so far. I had some stuff going on and couldn't find motivation to write, then i was concentrating on job interviews - i got the job though, so i hope you'll forgive me- and _then_ couldn't seem to find a suitable point to end the chapter. I hope this chapter was worth the wait for you guys, and that you're still interested in it. I'll try my best to update much more quickly in future.  
Please let me know your thoughts in the reviews!

* * *

Too few hours later, Amy was woken from her sleep by the shrill shrieking of none other than _Lauren. _After they had gone their separate ways last night, Amy had completely forgotten that her new step-sister even existed- yet here, in the harsh light of day, was an ear-splitting reminder. As she peeled open her eyes, Amy felt a sharp pounding begin in her head and memories of the day before start creeping in. She remembered the wedding, thankfully; if she were to have forgotten that, her mother would never forgive her. Remembering the wedding wasn't an issue- she had actually enjoyed the whole thing. Well, except having to stand up on stage and give her speech in front of everyone, and almost verbally painting ''I Love Karma'' across her forehead in the colours of the rainbow, of course. She had just about managed to avoid becoming _completely_ transparent through her speech, but Karma wasn't stupid. She knew Amy inside out, and she knew exactly what she was trying _not _to say.

And then Amy remembered everything that happened with Karma, and she sort of wished she hadn't.

Peeling herself from the comforting sanctuary of the bed, she padded across the carpet, reached for the doorhandle and braced herself. She wasn't going to hide from this anymore. If she had to face up to her feelings, then so did Karma- she couldn't handle the games for much longer. Taking a deep breath, Amy strode over to her bedroom, blonde hair like a bird's nest and yesterday's makeup smeared, but ready for a fight despite feeling as though her brain was trying to claw its way out of her skull. She was under no impression that Karma was likely to welcome the confrontation with open arms- _because that would just make life too easy_, Amy realised.

''Ok, enough,'' she began, entering the room with a fiercely un-Amylike force. ''I can't take this shit anymore, Karma, you either want me or you d-''

Amy halted mid-sentence. There was a note on the bed. Just a note. No Karma.

She was already gone.

_You have got to be kidding me_.

Picking up the square of paper, she studied it carefully. The front held just one word; _Amy_. She turned it over, hands trembling, and was unsurprised to find that the message was brief.

_I'm sorry, Amy, for everything. Please don't hate me. I just… can't. I need time._

K xxx

Amy read those words ten times over before she reached for her phone, pulling up a familiar number and hitting the call button with shaking fingers.

''Hey girl! How are you on this positively _glorious_ Texan Sunday morning?!''

''Shane… she's gone. Karma, she… we… i just got up and she's already gone.''

The tone of Amy's timid, pained voice was enough to snap Shane out of his eternal bubble of joy and pull on his serious hat, which he reserved for use only in emergencies and situations of serious lesbian drama.

''Oh Amy, sweetheart, _what on earth happened_? Did you two get down and, like, freak out her hetero?'' he sighed, genuinely sympathetic. That's part of the reason he was the first person Amy thought to call; despite the boy being often far too loud and positive for her liking, he was always genuine, honest, and ready to listen. His 'gay scouts' honour' was questionable at times, but that didn't matter now.

''No, no! I mean, we didn't get that far. I didn't think it was this bad. She's never just... run away before. We don't do that, not even when we can't stand each other. She just upped and left before i got a chance to speak to her, and i don't know how to fix it. She says she needs time, but i don't know what to do without her, Shane. She's like my favourite hairbrush, my comfiest sweatpants! What if she never wants to see me again? What if i've ruined everything?''

''Honey, calm down. I'm sure you and your sweatpants will work it out, you guys just need to talk it out. Have you even tried calling her? I mean, if she's your sweatpants, you're her legs- you guys belong together, even if it is just as friends. Now go, find her. The sooner you clear the air, the sooner you can give me _details_!''

With that, Amy sighed, thanked Shane for his wise, ever-calming influence and hung up, throwing her phone onto the bed. She spun around in a circle, took a deep breath and reached to pick it up once more.

Voicemail.

_Well, Amy, what did you expect? _the girl metally chastised herself. She decided to leave a message; at least, she hoped, there was a chance that Karma would listen to it.

She spoke softly into the receiver, ''Karma, i'm sorry. I'm sorry if i freaked you out. We just need to talk. I miss you already… I hope you're ok. Call me, please. Or text me. Or just come back. I don't care which. Please don't let this ruin us... I'm sorry.''

Amy sighed, placing her phone onto her bedside table, knowing that it would be pointless to keep hounding her friend. She was well aware that if Karma didn't return a call or text within half an hour, it was intentional. The girl was glued to her phone.

She didn't really hold out much hope, and two hours and a _just-in-case-her-phone-didn't-get-the-voicemail_ text later, with still no word, Amy reluctantly admitted temporary defeat.

Groggy and disheartened, the bedraggled blonde checked that her phone was on the loudest setting- in case Karma were to call- and crawled under the blankets strewn across her bed. Resting her head on a soft pillow, she caught the scent of the girl who had laid there last. _Karma_, she sighed, inhaling deeply. It comforted her; the familiar scent made her feel as though everything would be ok, and quickly carried the drained girl into a peaceful sleep.

_Cherries. _

_...Cherries?_

The room was shrouded in darkness as Amy prised her bleary eyes open slightly, rubbing at them with a tightly clenched fist as she attempted to process her languid thoughts. The only coherency she could muster was that she could smell _cherries_\- and that didn't exactly make sense to her. She rolled onto her side, eyes still refusing to cooperate fully, and clapped her hands together. The luminous stars that decorated the ceiling lit up, casting a glow around the room. Amy reached out a hand and fumbled around on the cluttered table until she grasped her phone. The light of the screen almost blinded the slumber-dazed girl, and her heart sank as she realised that she had precisely zero messages or missed calls. She dropped the device next to her and shifted her eyes.

''_Holy shit_!'' She screeched, yanking the covers up to her face, her eyes falling upon a dark shadowy figure sat on the floor, resting against the wall opposite her.

The figure stirred, lifting its head as Amy tried to calm her pounding heart.

''Fucking HELL, Karma! You nearly gave me a goddamn heart attack!''

Of course_. Cherries. She should have known instantly._

The figure shifted again; shuffled a little. Then it whispered,

''I'm sorry.''

Karma's voice was meek, ridden with fear and sadness, and it tore through Amy's heart. Her own voice softened as she swung her legs out of the bed, feet brushing the soft carpet as she perched on the mattress edge to talk.

''Talk to me, Karm. You ran away. I thought you wanted me, and then you froze on me. And then you ran away. Tell me what's going on in that head of yours, will you? So i can help you. Please?''

Karma sniffled, wiping at her eyes. ''I don't know. I just don't. I can't… I...''

Deep breath.

Amy was sitting on pins, scared of pushing Karma too far. She remained silent, whole body twitching slightly with impatience but fighting to keep it hidden. This was big for Karma, she realised. Whatever she was feeling must be scary for her- if she felt nothing at all, then the night before wouldn't have happened. Hell, Amy was scared to begin with. After their first few kisses, she couldn't deny the feelings that were waking within her. Her every thought was consumed by Karma. Her eyes, her lips, her kisses. _More_. It had all felt wrong and strange until she managed to understand a little more of what it meant.

''I just can't be what you need, Amy.''

After leaving Amy's house that morning, Karma had decided to come clean; to tell Amy exactly what she was thinking and feeling, to tell her precious friend just why they could never be what she wanted. Last night Karma hadn't thought, she just _felt_. She felt so much, so strongly, so desperately, that for what must have felt like the millionth time, she led Amy on; led her to believe that Karma could be hers and could be everything she dreamed of; but Karma knew she couldn't. There was no way that she could ever be the person Amy deserved- she deserved kindness, love, adoration. Caring. Loyalty. A clear mind, someone who knew what they wanted and wasn't afraid of anyone or anything because all that mattered to them was _her_.

And Karma knew that she loved Amy- she adored her, she cared for her, and all that mattered to her, deep down, _was_ her. But it wasn't enough. She couldn't be fearless, she couldn't love her as much as she deserved. She loved the girl to the moon and back - twice- but it would never be enough. She doubted that _anyone_ could love her as much as she deserved, whether that was even possible, but above all else, Karma concluded that she wasn't good enough, and never could be. _It wouldn't be enough_, Karma thought, that she would honestly die for Amy. Walk a thousand miles to hold her through a storm. Give her everything she had.

_She wasn't worthy_.

She couldn't promise loyalty. She couldn't promise to never hurt her, because sooner or later, Karma realised, she always fucked everything up.

And as Karma told her this- told her every heartfelt, heartbreaking word- tears stung at Amy's eyes. They crept steadily down her face, dripped onto the trembling hands she cradled in her lap, and began to pool in their palms.

''So I can't. I won't let you love me any more than you do, i won't let myself hurt you after tonight. I love you too much to let you love me, Amy. _I'm so sorry_.''

Amy didn't move. She didn't speak. She could barely breathe.

They were sat silently now, in the calm darkness, and all Amy wanted was Karma's love. Not her words, not the most bittersweet rejection, and not her own fingertips brushing new tears from her face, but Karma's. This girl was all she'd ever wanted, she knew; and all Karma was telling her she could never have.

She felt her chest tighten as she tried to breathe, her head spinning and the walls closing in around her. She couldn't deal with this. She didn't know what was happening, and she didn't know what to do.

All she could smell were cherries. 


End file.
